Project WANNABE

Seeing Warren Buffett in a Dream

2007-12-07T06:08:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt about Warren Buffett. When I woke up, a Korean stock he had recommended was up 7%. (Cultural note: in east Asia stock trading is conducted during the hours of darkness, perhaps because it is considered disreputable.)

Your Move!

2007-07-12T13:23:00.000-07:00

Instructions:
1. Hit "play" on the video down below.
2. You have until the song ends to win the game of tic tac toe.
Good luck!

X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X	X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X	O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O	X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X	X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X
X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X	O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O	X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X

YouTube comments are among the best on the net. On this video, I read about how amazing it is that one guy is playing all that music. I would add, he seems to get it just like on the record, almost note for note.

Windowz 2.Uh

2007-07-05T09:59:00.001-07:00

viewer!

Windowz!

2007-07-03T15:00:00.000-07:00

This Set Goes out to Paris Hilton

2007-06-11T17:57:00.000-07:00

Playgirl, by Ladytron

Divine Right by the New Pornographers

Tom Teslik Marathon!

2007-05-22T15:53:00.001-07:00

Er, right. This was from two days ago. I made the mistake of clicking "post on your blog" at YouTube instead of cutting and pasting. Nothing. So I did it again! Nothing! Etc.

As thoughtful community member Chris pointed out, I do really like the song. The version on Fugazi's album Repeater + 3 Songs is even better, but this guy does something with it that I kind of like.

Music

2007-05-22T15:47:00.001-07:00

Wow. Mr. Teslik kicks ass. A brilliant cover of one of my favorite Fugazi songs.

Break

2007-05-17T09:32:00.000-07:00

I have to take a break for a while. Take care everybody.

UPDATE!
A kind reader asked if I'm ok. I'm great. Just feeling that enough people are rewriting Fark right now.

Puzzling Evidence

2007-05-08T18:23:00.001-07:00

"At the END TIMES the signs will be all around"

UPDATE!
I think the subliminal idea here is that, should global warming raise the ocean levels, Canada will remain high and dry. I could be wrong though.

Tech Nology

2007-05-08T09:36:00.000-07:00

Readers with a background in the esoteric world of computers may be familiar with "logic gates." These are devices that apparently perform simple logical thought, in electronic form. For example, an "AND gate" produces an affirmative output only when both of its inputs are affirmative. Conversely, an "OR gate" produces an affirmative output when either of its inputs is affirmative. For many decades computer designers have been hobbled by a limited choice of gates: AND, OR, NOT, NOR, and a few other simple types.

For as long as computers have existed, debate has raged among fatuologists (those who study the future) over whether enormous numbers of the simple gates listed above, interconnected in some unknown pattern, will someday duplicate human thought.

Recently, however, researchers have been working to enlarge the 'vocabulary' beyond these simple gates. A group led by Professor Mandine Typhon at the University of Calabraxas reports successful implementation of SO, HOWEVER, BECAUSE, ALTHOUGH, WHATEVER and UH HUH gates in 0.1 micron BiCMOS technology.

Coffee Time

2007-05-08T05:56:00.001-07:00

"Coffee is for winners, go-getters, tea-ignorers, lunch-cancellers, early-risers, guilt-ridden strivers, money obsessives and spiritually empty lunatics. It is an enervating force. We should resist it and embrace tea, the ancient drink of poets, philosophers and meditators."

— Tom Hodgkinson, How to be Idle

Maybe so. Nothing's perfect.

But I wouldn't 'embrace' either one. That's a good way to get your unit parboiled. Which is worse, Hodgkinson, a lapful of scalding liquid, or using the word 'drink' twice in one sentence?

Counterpoint: Macrobiote Discovery Genuine?

2007-05-07T14:23:00.000-07:00

Before we rush to judgement on the meaning of the remarkable images published earlier today, let's be sure that we have analyzed all the data.

The creature has been described as a 'macrobiote.' The Online Medical Dictionary defines a 'macrobiote' as "an organism that is long-lived" [1]. But what reason is there to believe that the creature is in fact long-lived? Nothing in the report appears to corroborate that claim. Experts tell us that validating a claim of extremely long life by direct observation can take months or even years [2].

So while we of course support any and all measures that may be deemed necessary by the proper authorities, we caution our readers against drawing reckless conclusions about the longevity of these gigantic beings.

Project WANNABE Literary Metacriticism Staff

Enhanced Macrobiote Imagery

2007-05-07T12:57:00.000-07:00

Digitally enhanced using proprietary algorithms on our gigantic network of supercomputers. In an incredible display of modern image processing techniques, evidence for the existence of this horrifying modern behemoth has been 'distilled' and clarified. 'Noise components' of the image, which might tend to lead to misperception of the terrible beauty of this creature, have been suppressed.

A correction of our earlier preliminary report. Judging by the position of the macrobiote's shadow, the picture appears to have been taken near mid-day. We are conducting an internal investigation to determine why the photographer initially reported taking the picture in the morning hours.

Project WANNABE Image Analysis Laboratories

Cryptozoology Update

2007-05-07T06:24:00.000-07:00

One of our staffers saw this terrifying creature floating over the valley this morning. It appears to be a gigantic aerial translucent invertebrate of some kind. He estimated its dimensions to be approximately 30.48 meters (a hundred feet) long. Unfortunately our reporter fled indoors before he could get a really accurate impression. Disciplinary action is pending.

Cryptozoology, the scientifically advanced study devoted to the entirely legitimate discovery of heretofore unknown large animals, is probably the only reasonable explanation for the photograph. Some scientific comments. In-house experts theorize that gas sacs filled with heated digestive gasses enable the mammoth creature to float in the air. (Intriguingly, that means of levitation is not impossible in principle for human beings. Though it does seem to be disappointingly rare.) Also, a staff photographer commented that the autofocus feature on modern digital cameras tends to make these pictures less convincing than they were back in say the 1950s. That makes the find even more frightening. The implication is that these menacing creatures are somehow sensitive to the nuclear radiation emitted by electronic gear, and have become more camera-shy as a result.

Project WANNABE Paranormal Homeland Defense Staff

Bogol Clowan Update

2007-05-04T17:07:00.000-07:00

The Clowan Cycle Archives Project
Critical Internet Reader's Edition

It's been over two years since we issued our definitive critical edition of the well-known Clowan Cycle from the enigmatic Arlington Hynes of the popular blog Bogol. Well, this elusive folk artist of the digital age hasn't been idle, and it's time to bring our Archives Project up to date.

In fact there was so much material available, and it spanned such a wide range of perspectives, that I asked two of our departments to collaborate on this collection: our award-winning Literary Metacriticism Staff and our newly-formed Paranormal Homeland Defense Staff. I hope you enjoy reading the results as much as they enjoyed working together!

Daniel D'Ouchebag
Chief Editor in Chief
Project WANNABE

The Clowan Cycle (Earliest Posts First)

Clowans
My Acedemiac Carrer
A Nihgt of Terer
Teh Clowan of Gluocester
Mr. Hrblrblr
Err-Wha?
Acidophilus and Coriander
Oblesburg (Part I)
Ernie's Grill (Part II)
A Real Smart Fella (Part III)
I Never Did Like to Shoot a Dame (Part IV)
Nothing Personal, Kid (Part V)
Meny Yers Ago in teh Old Cuontery
Dear Lord Make Them Go Away
Parogramign Sucks
The Wages of Clowanery
Teh Gatharing Strom
Clowany Finds a Home (Part I)
A Tiring Day (Part II)
A Quiet Night (Part III)
Janesville, Iowa (Part IV)
Clowans
Moppo
So U Thikn Bats Cant Run Eh?
Daamn Cops
A Cotionery Tale

Appendix A: Nation of Clowns
At this critical time in what many experts believe may be a severe national crisis, Mr. Hynes may well be our nation's foremost investigator of clown phenomena nationwide. But many, many other scientifically-trained correspondents (bloggers, law-enforcement personnel, students, retirees, and other witnesses of a highly reliable nature) have reported on "CLOWNAC" (believed to be the top-secret FBI term for Clown Activity). Here are just a few of the many thousands of incident reports believed to exist.
Mad Clown Disease
Evil Clown Caught
Asshole on a Unicycle
Anarcho-Clowns
Clowns in Product Advertisements
Where the Bad Clowns Go
Miss McDonald
Rebel Clown Army (reported by Maud)

Appendix B: Project WANNABE Internal Memoranda
Very early in this dynamic and groundbreaking collaboration between the Literary Metacriticism Staff and the Paranormal Homeland Defense Staff here at Project WANNABE, it became clear to our Human Resources Department (if to no one else) that some really interesting things were happening. At the recommendation of legal counsel, we meticulously maintained a paper trail.

1. Dissenting Opinion of the Literary Metacriticism Editor
2. Dissenting Opinion of the Paranormal Homeland Defense Editor
3. Clarification: Literary Metacriticism Staff
4. Private Email: "I won't work with these twits!"
5. Amplification: Paranormal Homeland Defense Editor
6. Private Email: "You can't make me work with these lunatics!"
7. Friendly Reminder: Project Wannabe Harassment Policy (Verbal Abuse)
8. Violently Dissenting Opinions of Literary Metacriticism Staff, Spouses, Children and Pets
9. Complacent Reiteration by the Paranormal Homeland Defense Editor
10. Friendly Reminder: Project Wannabe Harassment Policy (Menacing)
11. Letters of Resignation (Various)
12. Friendly Reminder: Project Wannabe Harassment Policy (Grievous Bodily Harm)
13. Attorney General's Announcement: Persons of Interest in the "Clowan Reporter Killings" Case

Fucking Hilarious

2007-05-04T09:21:00.000-07:00

As today's title implies, this is about other blogs.

Emerald Bile
Rants. Attracts some very ... interesting ... people in the comments.

Topic Drift
The Scotch egg story is one of my favorite topic drifts.
Not updated that often, which makes it all the more sought-after.

In fact, what's up with the attitude that a blog is somehow better if you update it more often, or if you do more promotion? Did Ernie Kovacs suck? Does Adam Sandler not suck? Is a $20 750 ml bottle of wine inferior to a $12 8 liter plastic bladder of wine with a convenient spigot? (Well, yeah.) So it's case by case I guess.

Then again, if it's really fine quantity that you're after, come to Project WANNABE. Our Quantity Control department has things well in hand.

Project WANNABE Blogosphere Research Staff

"Get Started Quickly with Feed Bundles!"

2007-05-03T16:31:00.000-07:00

What???

I think I'll get started slowly, thanks.

What a bunch of dirty-minded, shit-eating, flip-flop-wearing fuckers they are at Google. As if I don't have enough to worry about. Christ.

nathan barley episode 1 part 1of 3

2007-05-02T18:49:00.001-07:00

Replacement -- earlier video was yanked from youchoob.

UPDATE!
The whole 25+ minute episode is worth watching through to the end of the credits, after which comes a key line of dialog. The YouTube versions of the rest of the episode seem to cut off before that point.

More links
Brooker and Co are brilliant. The site is a sort of mock-up of the one Barley yammers about in the video, so be prepared to be offended. It is targeted at idiots.

The original word for Barley wasn't just 'idiot.' For folks who are new to Barley, here's not-work-safe backstory on the Barley character as well as a bunch of other stuff. Unfortunately no longer active, but check out the extensive archives.

Nathan Barley 101

2007-05-02T09:14:00.001-07:00

Long. Watch it anyway.

UPDATE!

Video was apparently yanked from YouTube.

We've Got Big Blogs

2007-05-02T05:15:00.000-07:00

Some blogs are held for charity
And some for fancy dress
But when they're held for pleasure
They're the blogs that I like best

I guess we all chase traffic. But what happens when we catch it? People plaster their blogs with hit counters, subscription counters, ads, testimonials.

Say I'm interested in what the person is saying. I click "about" and it says "5,000 to 7,500 subscribers." What? Did I click on "how big are your balls?" No, I didn't. I clicked on "About this blog." Tell me something about the blog, not about how marketing numbers hit your brain like a lungful of crack.

Thanks!

INSUFFICIENT SECURITY CLEARANCE

2007-05-01T13:14:00.001-07:00

WARNING * WARNING * WARNING * WARNING

You have attempted to access restricted Project WANNABE
Corporation files. Your IP address has been logged by
Corporate Security personnel.

WARNING * WARNING * WARNING * WARNING

Great Breast Blog

2007-05-01T11:35:00.000-07:00

Bread Blog, I Meant Bread Blog

Sometime foodie Pierre at Cantopop just posted a video of an incredibly easy ~~breast~~ bread recipe yesterday, and has pictures of it posted today. I've made that recipe too, most recently this morning, and I can tell you it is good bread (especially if you let the mush sit for 24 hours instead of the recommended twelve) and it looks great too. I would post a picture of it but the wife took the camera off to the mother-in-law's. ~~So I'm just as well out of that.~~ Hi honey!

If the blog loads a little slower the next few days, don't be alarmed. I'm expecting a little surge in traffic, for reasons that need not concern us here.

Now I Get It!

2007-05-01T05:48:00.000-07:00

Do you folks get the feeling sometimes that a lot of blog entries are pretty similar? Like, "last fall I went on vacation and met this guy," "We went to Bermuda on vacation last fall and rented scooters," "I had a bad fall on my scooter and missed out on vacation." It makes me feel like such a loser, sitting at home and googling around for material to write about while the cool kids race laughing through an eternal vacation festooned with beautiful autumn leaves.

Well I just figured it out. Down at the bottom of Blogger's "New Post" window is a little line that says

Labels for this post:
e.g. scooters, vacation, fall

If you use Blogger, check it out the next time you post.
Why even google? There was a fertile field of discussion right under my nose the whole time.

Personality Quiz!

2007-04-30T13:53:00.000-07:00

Directions
For each question select the response that is most true of you.

1. Self-Defeating Arguments
When you get into a self-defeating argument with yourself, do you score it as ...
(a) a win?
(b) a loss?

2. Consideration
When considering a situation you pay more consideration to
the current situation and less to considering possible sequence of events
(a) yes
(b) no

Response time is a factor in this, so please answer as quickly as you can.

3. Family
Tell me in your own words only the good things that come into your mind when you think about your mother.
(a) My mother?
(b) Let me tell you about my mother.

4. Relationships
Do you feel that you have a difficult time relating to those who feel that it is difficult to relate to those who feel that those who allow themselves to be taken advantage of deserve to ...
(a) Read a book?
(b) Plan well in advance?

5. Security
Are you plagued by suspicions that other people, including loved ones, may be doing things behind your back that will end up hurting you?
(a) Yes
(b) Prefer not to answer

6. Honesty
In a social situation, is it better to
(a) Remain quiet out of fear of saying something stupid?
(b) Say something stupid?

7. Bravery
When scheduled to speak before a large group, do you
(a) Privately wish you could hide in the lavatory?
(b) In fact hide in the lavatory?

8. Conversation
When listening to a friend or coworker, do you tend to
(a) Patiently wait for him or her to gradually, painstakingly select each word?
(b) Push, strike, or squeeze the speaker in an effort to induce him or her to speak at a normal rate?

9. Reverence
Who is more likely to be trustworthy?
(a) Your spiritual leader
(b) Wilford Brimley

10. Hogwash
Should hogs be washed
(a) Daily?
(b) Weekly?

Scoring.
For every time you answered (a), deduct 2/3 of a point. For every time you answered (b), deduct 3/4 of a point. For every question you blew off, award yourself 1 point.

Acknowledgements
This test is a scientifically constructed amalgam of several tests available on the web.

Project WANNABE Science Staff

Top Fatuologist: Immargarination Key to Future

2007-04-30T06:03:00.000-07:00

The first in an occasional series of columns from our Editor in Chief.

Greetings valued readers and others. (Strictly speaking my title is "Chief Editor in Chief" but I want to speak to you more informally today.) As a dovecote of genuses like George Gilder and Malcolm Gladwell, I temptation to as it the were dabble in fatuology myself is sometimes irrisible. Today's topic:

What will the next generation of blogs look like??/>?

I numerable readers of this blague all ready no the work of my indelibly talented compote Arlington Copley Hynes (aka HA HA HA) at Bogol. Arlington's immargarination in site and perversity in the face of grate personnel challengers is an imputation to us all. Its implausible to concave of composting better posts than Bogol.

Or is it? I don't attend to impute Arlington's overture at all, but on close exemption Bogol a peers to command a less than prefect command of the language. A significand importunity for Emperor Seamount? Prepuce. Desperate his genus, Arlington's spalling and typology could be better.

Now. I rarely omit this to people, but I'm a bit of a tetanical "geek" and I've dust covered that there are actually free spalling checkers available on the internet!

* * *

Imagine if you will a blague that calm bind the wonder full eidos of a Bogol (and ideas are impotent, I radially emit that) with 100% flawless spelling -- guarani tied bye evinced computer technology!

Wow.

Project WANNABE. Bringing you today's future ... tomorrow.

Book Review: Batchmode by Michel Creton

2007-04-29T12:43:00.000-07:00

Batchmode is a complicated techno-financio-thriller about the rise and fall of Thoughtspeed, a Silicon Valley startup leading a renaissance in artificial intelligence. I think Michel Creton is sort of a French Canadian Michael Crichton.

The founder of Thoughtspeed is a very high-powered experienced start-up expert (this is his fourteenth company, although he is not even that old). The founder has a brilliant friend who comes up with a technical plan to achieve artificial intelligence. The brilliant guy becomes the Chief Scientist of Thoughtspeed.

The company gets funded and they hire a few dozen Ph.D.s. The first big challenge comes when they start having a serious HR problem. One of the scientists reads through the business plan and suddenly starts acting like a loose cannon. This gets a little technical, but the guy insists that the metric prefix exa- really means 10 to the 18th power. Not 10 to the 9th power. But the Chief Scientist, who is a brilliant guy, put into the business plan that exa = 10 to the 9th power. So it's obviously mission critical to maintain that and not get distracted. And so people try to help the loose cannon guy get with the program but he just gets more and more shrill and crazy-sounding. Management tries to gently help him out by suggesting that he shouldn't be so bothered by a little bit of extra work, but he tries to shift the blame back on them: "10 to the 9th extra work? Do you understand what that means? You want people to work 40 billion hours a week?" Whatever. We've all known people like that, who let their own egos or laziness stand in the way of new ideas. Anyway, in a typical dumb career move the loose cannon guy quits in a huff.

BUT, in a startling plot twist several months later, the others discover that the loose cannon guy was actually right! So everything is off by 9. (Disclosure: I'm kind of a programming "geek" myself, and even being off by 1 can be a pretty big deal in computer science. So off by 9 is serious, trust me!)

The founder is concerned that the venture capitalists may get confused if he admits the mistake now. "The best thing for everybody is we go ahead with the demo," he explains. And it turns out the VCs are a lot better off not knowing, because they sell most of their stake to small investors in an initial public offering later on. So in the end the loose cannon behavior doesn't hurt anybody.

Fast forward to three years later. The scientists and engineers at Thoughtspeed have created a system that is functionally equivalent to the human brain. With great ceremony the CEO pushes "GO" and mankind literally enters a new era.

But the A.I. program is slower than originally planned. In fact, after two more years it has still only said "Uh...." By that time, money for all those expensive technical people has run out. So pretty much everybody gets laid off. In a really moving scene, an old security guard conveys management's heartfelt thanks for all the long hours. He even breaks down and admits that due to budgetary constraints he is required to escort himself out of the building once everyone else leaves.

And then before long unfortunately the execs have to pull the plug and give back all the rented cubicles and servers and stuff. Some funny moments when the Chief Scientist's necktie gets caught under a crumbling chipboard desk and he almost gets dragged onto Route 880 behind a Ryder van. "Holy shit, not again!" laughs the founder. "You want some advice? No matter how bad you need to take a leak, don't ever whip it out anywhere near a car door!" It sounds like startups must be a lot of fun.

But overall the book was kind of a rip-off. My main reason for buying the book was curiosity about what an artificial intelligence would really be like, personality-wise. But we never really find out. The author was too focussed on his techno-fetishes.

4 stars out of 11. Wait for the real thing.
PW Science Staff

The Plague Visits Denver

2007-04-28T15:48:00.000-07:00

Don't pick up any squirrels.

My Fifteen Minutes

2007-04-28T05:54:00.000-07:00

Garden State Some Poor Fuck's Favorite Movie -- The Onion

I hate to brag, but that was probably me. I loved Garden State.

Captain Scarlet

2007-04-27T15:19:00.001-07:00

Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons TV intro (1967-68).

Support the Kant-Free Blog Zone Alliance

2007-04-27T09:23:00.000-07:00

(Immanuel Kant Pic from Wikipedia Kant article. (Note: image has been modified.)

Done with college already? Wondering why you keep hearing about Immanuel Kant on the internet? So are we. Join the KFBZ Alliance and drive this moonbat back into the eighteenth century where he belongs.

UPDATE!
Construct your own mash-up of the immortal philosopher. Project WANNABE Ventures Inc. will award a free guest blogging opportunity to the user who submits the best entry. Judges' decisions are final.

Welcome Pen Pals!

2007-04-26T11:58:00.000-07:00

Map.

Unless I am even more absurdly misinformed than usual, we have had visits today from China, Sweden, Portugal, Brazil, Italy, Spain, even exotic Québec on the banks of the near-mythical Outaouais. I got our map (above) out of the car and noticed that there seem to be some really alarming whales, storms, monsters, etc., where most of you folks live. I hope you are coping with that stuff ok. We have bears, but nothing bigger than that, and nothing I would really call aquatic. On the plus side, we finally got our furnace fixed, so it's a lot warmer in here today.

So, anyway, welcome!

Movie Review: My B.U.D.D.I.

2007-04-26T07:38:00.000-07:00

Martin Mipsy (William Shatner), a nerdy but endearingly unemployed scientist, is trying to invent "the first true artificial intelligence system" in his garage ... well, really in his basement, as the house lacks a garage. His whole family's feisty perseverence is established early -- in a brilliant scene Martin's wife, Babs (Holly Hunter), leads the couple's four small children in a high-spirited search for the family jalopy, poking broomhandles into head-high snowdrifts.

In his quest, Martin has the enthusiastic but erratic help of his elderly neighbor, Hal (Harvey Keitel), who is a genius with small engines &c., but no longer really belongs behind the wheel of a lawn tractor. (A hilarious cliffhanger ensues as a white-knuckled Keitel takes on a steep slope!)

But after a promising start, the film seems to become confused. Given all his hard work on the refrigerator-sized "box," why is Hal conspicuously absent when "the box" (B.U.D.D.I.) taps out its most exciting (albeit awkwardly spelled) early messages to Babs, the press, the Mayor and the Governor. Why isn't Keitel in those big scenes? Trouble on the set? It strains the viewer's credulity when Hal's dental appointments repeatedly coincide with the visits of increasingly impressive dignitaries. Can't he just reschedule??

When the creepy, arrogant team from A.P.E.M.E.A.T. show up with their jaded cynicism and batteries of "touring tests," they exude credibility -- decked out in spotless white lab coats and stethoscopes, they epitomize serious Artificial Intelligence Research in a way that the bluejeaned, bearded Martin plainly never will. Perhaps because of this, the audience is ready to side with the plucky underdogs Martin and Hal. But, puzzlingly, in this climactic scene, B.U.D.D.I. puts on an uncharacteristically lackluster performance. With their own reputations (and budget!) at risk, the experts are visibly reluctant to take Martin at his word that the B.U.D.D.I. is "just shy." Yet he and Hal do little to answer the scientists' openly skeptical remarks. When the scientists agree to conduct further testing remotely via the internet, they're clearly just throwing a sop to the desperate Mipsy -- a second try at a test B.U.D.D.I. has already failed once. Today's increasingly tech-savvy audiences, accustomed to the global village, won't swallow the idea that a computer would feel less shy just because people are physically farther away. Isn't it all just zeros and ones? We're left with a terrible feeling that Martin's brief professional Indian summer is already over.

If this reminds you of the bicycle race scene in Breaking Away, you're not alone. But then what to make of the bizarre tableau later that night, in which Martin and Hal raise their glasses and laugh as if in careless triumph? What's going on? I know what movie I came to see, but I don't think the director and cast knew what movie they were trying to make. And what's the story behind the ranks of empty bottles inside "the box" during the closing credits? Laph-? Talisk-? Glenliv-? I don't get it. Where's the array of supercomputers? Too many things are never explained.

Three stars out of seven. Save it for a first date.
PW Entertainment Staff

EnviroSphere Technology Takes a Step Forward

2007-04-24T08:10:00.000-07:00

"I set about thinking of a way to publicise those who need pyschiatric help and came up with this." Via Fark.

I always wanted one of these. You could go anywhere. But it needs to be sealed up during cold weather, and to walk across inconvenient bodies of water. You just need a little hatch so you can push out the empty beer bottles as you roam around town.

Watch Out, T.J. Maxx!

2007-04-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

From here.

Cute Video

2007-04-20T16:43:00.001-07:00

I was super burned out from trying to think through stupid math stuff on the computer all week, and then I saw a video that really cheered me up. I think I'm probably the last person in the world to see these, but I'll post it anyhow.

Joke!

2007-04-20T11:37:00.000-07:00

What do you get when you bake a chocolate cake with pickle flavored icing?

Ans:
Crap!

Why Computer Generated Music?

2007-04-17T06:34:00.000-07:00

If you've ever tried composing music, the answer must be obvious.* What a grind, both mentally, emotionally and physically -- right, actually the grind has three components: mental, emotional, physical, and hygienic. And then even when I do get a decent idea, i can't come up with anything else to go with it. I just listen to it over and over at high volume and with more and more effects until I get "earsick" as my 4 y/o daughter calls it. (Except she loves the music she writes, thank God.) It's always such a relief to go scoop out the cat boxes, shovel snow, or make some bread. (My bread is pretty good.)

So my dream is that, in the future, computers will perform all creative work, leaving humanity free to spend all of our time on mindless, repetitive tasks.

*Unless you have talent or something. I don't want to hear about it. You'd be "happier somewhere else," in Jack Nicholson's voice as the Joker from Batman.

This Kinda Rocks!

2007-04-16T11:48:00.000-07:00

"Computer music languages" should be really cool. There's one drawback -- it's surprisingly hard to make anything that anyone would actually want to listen to. But here's one that really works for me.

Darkest Hour, by Joyclyn Bennett From the jMusic site.

I Have Seen the Future, and It Sucks

2007-04-15T12:42:00.000-07:00

I can't ordinarily see the future. But, with Mike Judge's help, I can. Unfortunately.

I'm hesitant to apply the genre labels to the 2006 "science fiction" "comedy" Idiocracy. An impressive work of genuine prognostication, the film plods under the leaden weight of authentic foresight. If you really want to know exactly what the year 2505 will be like, watch it and take notes. If you want to be entertained ... not so much.

Comedy Update

2007-04-15T05:25:00.000-07:00

Dose here.

(Found linked to another funny video posted on Chris V's Variety Blog.)

Ishkur's Guide to Electronic Music

2007-03-24T08:15:00.000-07:00

"There is no such thing as electronica. I want each and every one of you to stop calling it that, because it makes you sound like a god damned retard."

A set of maps of the past thirty years. Check it out.

UPDATE!
Oh, yeah, right, you have to winnow out some inexplicable chaff -- a dumb splash screen and some very dull intro material. Just ignore that crap and then click on the buttons in the upper left.

Idiotic, Yet Technically Not Misquoted!

2007-03-24T07:16:00.000-07:00

"A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing."
Oscar Wilde

Infuriate skeptics of all kinds!* Wilde wrote it all right (more or less). So what's wrong? Nothing ... unless you happen to remember that Wilde himself scored an 800 on the Cynicism section of the SATs. So of course the line above was spoken by a character in one of Wilde's plays. (Lord Darlington (incidentally modeled after the inventor of the Darlington transistor) in Lady Windemere's Fan.)

Our overall vision is to position Project WANNABE as the go-to resource on the internet for disinformation about our literary traditions. Watch this space!

*This quotation has become a cult favorite around the Project WANNABE offices, at least up here on the eleventh floor.

Kill All Those Who Appose You

2007-02-26T03:57:00.000-08:00

Cool game! May be unsuitable for younger readers!

UPDATE!
OMG I forgot the most important tip for winning the game. Hit 'M' to change your guy's weapon from the poor wretched useless puny 'sword' into the titanic 4-Meter Isotropic Meat Tenderizer.

Blast from the Past

2007-02-23T12:03:00.000-08:00

Prognostication about the Information Superhighway, from way back in 1993. From here.

It Began When I Saw a Sphere with Somebody Who Looked Like You

2007-02-20T08:37:00.000-08:00

Via MWARC.

Band web site.
Sphere sightings
Other geometrical encounters:
Police officer sees triangle up close
Hexagon-shaped craft
First reported sighting of square-shaped disc

M as in Mancy

2007-02-16T08:57:00.000-08:00

Some cheap entertainment for a Friday. Miming a phone held up to your face, repeat the title above. Five times seems to be about right. For best effectiveness, enunciate a little more clearly each time. Try for a tone of increasingly strained patience. (Extra credit: In a real phone call, claim that your name is 'Mormon Naylor.' Deploy the key phrase. Double extra credit if your name really is Norman Mailer.)

Good luck!

Are You Bored at Work?

2007-02-14T17:11:00.000-08:00

You don't have to be. Some courageous Americans are taking the initiative to improve workplace morale.

"Great Circle" Scam Exposed!

2007-02-09T09:05:00.000-08:00

With oil still hovering around 60 dollars a barrel, it's time someone spoke out about the so-called "Great Circle" myth.

What's the big deal? On the map (top left), the air lane allowed for LA-Tokyo flights is highlighted in red.

This ridiculously indirect route is called a "Great Circle" for reasons that make oil company execs go "ka-ching!" You see, as the map clearly shows, the legally permitted "Great Circle" route burns (according to computer calculations performed at a top think tank) approximately 80% more fuel than just flying from LA to Tokyo in a straight line.

It's time to stand up to the juggernaut of politically-motivated 'scientists' and their 'Great Circle' mythology.

Hussars!

2007-02-06T13:09:00.000-08:00

Fun fact: these feisty little tykes are only 10 mm tall. To put it in perspective for the kind of folks who still refuse to use the metric system, that's about the width of a .410 slug.

(This week we've been honored by inclusion a prestigious invitation-only exclusive "Hussar" themed simulcast with the popular blog bogol. Curious about the theme? See bogol for what slender explanation there is. Pic from the enduring and incredible GHQ models. Horses, ships, tanks, aircraft, they've got hundreds, maybe thousands, of different incredibly detailed tiny little pewter models.)

"The Sighthounds of History...

2007-02-02T13:31:00.000-08:00

...guess another mystery, wrong."

I tried to steal this appealing phrase from the New Pornographers' song "Ballad of a Comeback Kid." Unfortunately I got it wrong, it's really "the scions of history." But I keep on hearing it wrong, so "sighthounds" it is.

Brightness Falls from the Hair

2007-01-30T10:03:00.000-08:00

Beauty is but a flower
Which wrinkes will devour;
Brightness falls from the air,

Thomas Nashe

People who know something (i.e., not me) seem to feel now that the famous line was a misprint, that the title above was probably what Nashe had in mind.

From Walker Percy's Message in the Bottle again (except for the picture). See also a nice article posted under the justifiably popular title "Scuse Me While I Kiss This Guy" on God of the Machine.

What a shame.

UPDATE!
WARNING! If you click on the photograph, you will get a much clearer view. Don't do it.

The Critics Weigh In

2007-01-29T07:49:00.000-08:00

Mission to the Stars!

2007-01-27T12:29:00.000-08:00

"For a while, earth TV could be watched, for about a month into the mission -- but as the ramjet accelerated, the TV action slowed in a Doppler effect, so that in old reruns of M*A*S*H, a favorite, Hawkeye and the nurses spoke in ever lower and more sepulchral tones and moved like dream figures walking in glue."

Lost in the Cosmos, Walker Percy, 1983.

The Fruit of the Carraway Tree

2007-01-27T08:02:00.000-08:00

The Bible has much to say about bread, yet some in our society seem not to hear. Today's lesson: True rye bread is not some kind of foul black stuff with no seeds. That's pumpernickel or something; whatever you choose to call it, it is an abomination in his sight.

Listen to what scripture has to say. Leviticus 11:29-31. "I say to you, take the grains of wheat and rye, add the fruit of the carraway tree which is sacred, and bake this on your hearths. For rye without carraway is unclean to you and is an abomination."

Some bakers seem to believe that the LORD said "Make thou stunted tiny dry black square unswallowable loaves and never mind about the seeds." I ask them to beware. I ask them to heed the words of the LORD. I say to you O bakers, prepare a Christian (by which I mean Jewish) rye bread, with seeds ... or prepare yourself for everlasting agony in the Lake of Fire.

Conspiracy Brainwashing our Children

2007-01-23T08:07:00.000-08:00

"This hilarious game brings out the funny in everyone."

(Want to bet? Check out the chilling background material here and here).

New! Spam!

2007-01-22T15:01:00.000-08:00

The spammers have finally found my blog! I've arrived!

"Snerge" Etymology

2007-01-09T18:27:00.000-08:00

Jack Vance used the word "snerge" (v., means "steal") in his novel Wyst. I think it might be a contraction and verbification of "synergy." (Used in the business world, "synergy" means "2+2=5.")

UPDATE!
AND, and, "snergery" = "theft," which, "snergery" sounds even more like "synergy." QED.

Bonus!

2007-01-09T18:26:00.000-08:00

Tired of watching "Book TV" on CSPAN? Here's something more interesting.

Reader Loyalty Award

2006-12-14T11:09:00.000-08:00

My reader, if he's still here, has more than earned this little token of appreciation.

I Don't Wanna Be...

2006-12-05T07:33:00.000-08:00

...your little Gleason buggy toy.

UPDATE!
I don't wanna be your little rhesus monkey boy.

Olympian Org Chart

2006-12-01T11:30:00.000-08:00

Need help here. Can any reader supply the organizational chart for the Greek gods of myth? Who reported to whom? TIA

Good Fresh Salsa

2006-11-29T06:18:00.000-08:00

In a blender, process 3 parts tomatillos, 2 parts yellow tomatos, and 1 part vidalia type onions. Add salt to taste.

You can also substitute other tomatoids, substitute any raw-eatin onion (for example red onions or scallions), add hot peppers. The only tricky part is getting the amount of salt right. If you run the blender a lot, the salsa will froth up like a green milkshake. I kind of like that look, but if you don't then be careful!

This is good on chips, but it really comes into its own as an enchilada sauce.

UPDATE!
I don't like figs. I love dates, but figs, no.

UPUPDATE!
Bonus points for any reader who can tell me what band Fugazi hired to perform their album End Hits. Because it isn't Fugazi, that's for sure.

Let Us Pray

2006-11-28T20:30:00.000-08:00

O Lord,
Whose creation is without flaw.
Why hast Thou, in Thy wisdom,
Burdened us with such diverse profusion
As serveth to obscure Thy simple purpose?

User Feedback

2006-11-28T12:05:00.000-08:00

Some readers may recall from earlier posts that we have bear problems in our backyard garbage structure. I'm cross-posting a free translation of some comments that we found crudely scraped into the plastic and stamped in the earth. Bottom line: that site isn't any more popular than this one.

Dear Humans,

Please cancel our free subscription to your Food Service Site, effective immediately.

To put it mildly, the service no longer meets our needs. Let me just mention a few particulars: (a) Fresh food items have not been posted to the site regularly. (b) Even when acceptable food items are obtainable, it's the same old stuff we can get at a half dozen other free sites. It's almost as if the various public site operators share a common source of new food items and at best package them a little differently before posting. (c) Access to your new "upgraded" server has been increasingly difficult in recent weeks. (d) I have grave health and safety concerns regarding your placement of useless and even inimical third-party ware (used kitty litter, fiberglass insulation, chicken wire) on your site.

If you have any concern for the well-being of your customers and the future of your business model, I suggest that you improve conditions on your server immediately.

Sincerely, Etc.

UPDATE!
I responded as follows: "Your input is valuable to us. When you have completed the automated feedback form, don't forget to click 'submit'." (Translated into Bear Language, this consisted of urinating on some nearby trees and double-checking the new solid steel rod that holds the structure shut.)

...And So Much for That

2006-11-10T15:49:00.000-08:00

Psychopharmacology Update

2006-10-26T07:27:00.000-07:00

Need a quick burst of moral superiority to overcome those after-lunch doldrums? The new pill form of Immaculexzor (Pfluger Pharmaceuticals' trade name for hydrabenzo-3,4-ditetroethylbutylate) may be for you. In short-term trials, 52% of subjects reported improved feelings of complacency. In double-blind laboratory trials (consisting of Judge Judy with the sound turned off) patients were 37% more confident of their ability to identify which disputant occupied the moral high ground. Compulsive hand washing was reduced by up to 75%. Excessive symptoms of injured innocence may be a sign of a serious short-term side effect. Immaculexzor has has been in use for less than a year, so the incidence of long-term side effects is zero. Remember, only your doctor can evaluate what level of righteous indignation is right for you.

UPDATE!
Immaculexzor has been voluntarily withdrawn from the market after what a Pfluger spokesperson described as an "unprecedented number" of "very strange lawsuits."

The Chambered Nautilus

2006-10-17T06:31:00.000-07:00

The chambered nautilus is born with a multichambered shell (at left). Throughout its life, it gains safety from predators by migrating toward the center of this impressive structure. Truly a miracle of nature.

Friday the 13th

2006-10-13T07:36:00.000-07:00

We're taking our kid to the Haunted House (picture). Ooooooooh, spooky! I hate it when those ugly ... things ... jump out at me.

Banks Eat My Garbage

2006-10-11T08:47:00.000-07:00

In the wake of the bear incident, the back yard is a mess. My wife suggested that I securitize the garbage.

That is a really brilliant solution. It's the same thing mortgage lenders do when they suspect that their own ... back yards are filled with, well, garbage. Securitize it: lump all the garbage together in a big pile, and then sell shares. It's a great deal for investors because it's diversified. Diversified means basically "what are the chances that this stuff is all garbage? Most of it must be good stuff." The sophisticated strategy that US savings banks used to protect themselves from Michael Milken's machinations in the '80s was another form of diversification: they didn't just buy one of his obviously unsound bond issues, they bought them all.

So, physically, in principle, sure, the garbage is still spread all over the back yard. But legally speaking it belongs to a syndicate of banks. Let them come and wrestle with the bears.

UPDATE!
Unfortunately that's not quite what she meant by "securitize." Turns out we need to make the garbage shed more secure, like for example attach the door to its hinges.

I also have to pick up the garbage. If you've nominated me for the economics Nobel, now would be a good time for a quick temporizing email to Stockholm.

Bears Eat My Garbage

2006-10-10T07:22:00.000-07:00

A family of bears opened our new bearproof garbage shed and partied half the night. They could easily come inside and eat us too, but either they don't realize that or they're not that hungry. Not yet anyway.

On the plus side, though, this saves us the work of carrying the garbage to the curb. And it's landfill-free: this is an all-natural recycling process. Unfortunately the bears are picky eaters and they don't take much home "for later" so the back yard is a mess.

The Seasons' Wheel, Leafed in Gold

2006-10-06T11:07:00.000-07:00

Time to take my bicycling habit into the gym for the winter. Bye bye, endless parade of bat-blind Buickers and wallowing, zigzagging boat trailers. So long, idyllic rides only rarely interrupted by moments of near-lethal violence.

... and a cheery Hello! to the subtler pageantry of indoor exercise: the gym employee who loudly harangues her ex for 30 minutes at a time while he shuffles desperately on the treadmill; competition heating up in the locker room for the coveted "naked loitering fat guy" endurance award; guys who break pieces off the machines ("What's this thing for?"); folks who wrench the TV around so nobody else can see it then crank the volume all the way up; the cool swaggerer who quickly crippled himself on the treadmill and had to be hauled off to the showers in a bucket; and many more.

UPDATE!
I just got my shin clawed open by a rabid spinning bike in the gym. In retrospect today's post seems sadly laced with imbecilic hubris. Subtle pageantry my aching leg.

Joke

2006-10-05T06:35:00.000-07:00

What did Jesus say at the last supper?

Any of you guys want your picture taken, get over on this side of the table.

Pregnant Teens Take Charge

2006-10-04T12:20:00.000-07:00

Often seen as victims, some pregnant teens are turning the tables, taking up smoking in a clever bid to make delivery less painful. The technique is based on research findings that smoking leads to reduced infant birth weight.

Via fark.

Californ-i-a

2006-10-04T11:25:00.000-07:00

Cold and damp it may be, but the guacamole is excellent.

Word Find Challenge!

2006-09-27T16:58:00.000-07:00

Ten words are hidden in the puzzle below!!! How many can you find???

P G T A E C E R C U L K
O N U A Z Y N Z S D N F
R P S X C V N O B U X R
I G T E D I U M X Y A M
A G A C S X I O F Z S A
K V G I U E G N Z F R L
L H N U L S B O M E S A
A U A B A P A T H Y T I
Z S N T W M L O Y V A S
I N T E R M I N A B L E
K J C V I B Z Y W U E X
B O R E D V N X N C D G

UPDATE!
Eagle-eyed reader Arlington Copley Hynes has found an eleventh word in the puzzle!!!

UPUPDATE!
Can you find all, er, twelve words in the puzzle???

News Briefs

2006-09-27T04:56:00.000-07:00

Global warming As temperatures cool this autumn, global warming is taking a back seat to other concerns for most Americans. Yet some critics are picking this moment to claim that the media are behaving irresponsibly by reporting endless anecdotes vaguely related to the global warming story without ever putting them in context — or just giving the relevant climatology data. For instance the graph at left shows made-up numbers, not real data on anything. Exclusive! A panel of media experts discuss how critics' charges on this issue have evolved, in the context of a historical perspective on the news industry.

Carry-on liquids Transportation Safety Administration has relaxed the rules against carry-on liquids. This is an abrupt change from yesterday's and Monday's stances, in which the Transportation Safety Administration had relaxed the rules against carry-on liquids. We will keep you posted as the story develops. Security experts advise that liquid carry-on items be permitted, but that containers must be left at the gate. A group of industry analysts discuss the implications of that proposed policy.

Vegetarianism In tomorrow's issue: representatives of PETA and the Beef Industry Council lay out the facts objectively so that our readers can make an informed decision.

E. Coli: Something Doesn't Smell Right

2006-09-26T17:48:00.000-07:00

It occurs to me that the media have been straining a bit too hard to squeeze hysteria out of the recent E. Coli flap. We must not be tempted to try this case in the press, or to tell Mr. Coli to accept responsibility for what he has done. That's a matter for his conscience and for the courts.

But let's take a calm, rational look at the trade-offs here. True, modern "miracle" pesticides such as those sold by Mr. Coli's company may pose unknown and terrifying health risks. Sperm counts are down and, anecdotally, for many, impotence and other urinary issues seem to grow more troubling every year. Ahem.

Nevertheless. Compare our lives today, thanks to the pesticide industry and its fine products, to the savagery of a medieval, pre-technological scenario in which your kids would be reduced to eating human waste. If they could get it.

Stop and think about that for a minute. Don't you want that sort of product to be available for your children? Are the wealthy Mr. Coli and Big Spinach — however callous and negligent — are they the villains here? Or are they getting a crappy deal?

Giant Transdimensional Shitkicker (Part 4 and Conclusion of a Story)

2006-09-26T07:36:00.000-07:00

Copyright © 2006 TWM. All rights reserved.

"Dilatator."

"The Dilatator system is ...," the computer hung fire for a moment, "operational." It sounded surprised. "Warning! Use of the Dilatator individual time-compression system poses proven irreversible health risks. Do you confirm --"

"Confirm!"

"Dilatator system engaged. Incoming Vitiator missile ... detonated. Shock."

"What about shock?" He felt badly compressed. Well, naturally.

"Wave." The computer's emissions sounded strange, as if badly red-shifted.

The compression continued, becoming painful.

There was an amazing graphic on the monitor, apparently a still image of the delicate blue-white bubble of the first phase of a Vitiator missile detonation. No, the image wasn't coming from the monitor. He was seeing the actual detonation shining through the globule's hull. It was quite beautiful, a froth of glowing bubbles. And it wasn't moving -- Dilatator had apparently worked.

The image darkened in stages as, one by one, Amnin's light-sensing organs shut down. The Dilatator system was not exactly an escape or defense. What it did was give the appearance of slowing the universe down, "enabling the user to live out a full and satisfying life in the instants remaining before an unfortunate annihilation." Amnin was being physically compressed to the size of a star, while his mind accelerated to millions of times its former rate. Paralysis and blindness were unfortunate side effects. But any apocalyptic, intergalactic war you can walk away from is a good one, he felt.

And at least now maybe he could catch up on his sleep.

The End

(With apologies to Haruki Murakami, who somehow makes a time-slowing ending actually work in his novel Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World. I'm aware that it doesn't work here. Serves me right for stealing something I don't even know how to use.)

Giant Transdimensional Shitkicker (Part 3 of a Story)

2006-09-26T05:47:00.000-07:00

Copyright © 2006 TWM. All rights reserved.

He could return fire out of spite, using his own Vitiators, but that would waste time, wouldn't save him and &mdash if this was a case of friendly fire and he managed to survive the next few millennia &mdash would probably involve him in court-martial proceedings for firing on an unidentified target.

Amnin reluctantly switched on the Operator's Manual.

"Hello!" said the manual's cheery voice. "Welcome to the GlobuleSearch AI Operator's Manual facility! Bringing all the expertise of our team of top designers to the extrema of your manipulators. Please emit your first search term now, enunciating clearly. "

"Countermeasures"

"Coun-ter-mea-sure-z ... was not found! 1,230 similar terms were found! Touch the monitor screen for for help on ..."
Conical metrics
Countertop, galley, cleaning, procedures for
Countertop, galley, food preparation gear deployment, regulations for
Canopus Meshbacks
Calliope management

"Coun. Ter. Mea. Sures." The monitor readout was becoming worryingly slow.

"Countermeasures ... " the computer said at last "... was found! Please select from the list on your monitor screen."
Countermeasures, cores, scaling and spalling
Countermeasures, exsorption, loss of mass due to
Countermeasures, incoming fire, Abrogator missile
Countermeasures, incoming fire, Blotter missile
Countermeasures, incoming fire, Crusher missile
Countermeasures, incoming fire, Decimator missile
"Do you see your selection on the screen?"

"No." Visual monitor screens were an innovation, and they were slow, especially within galaxies. Resolution was also distressingly limited. Each pixel constituted in effect a small star, and if placed too close together they would drift rapidly due to gravity. Thermonuclear detonations had been tried, but they were too dim and led to eyestrain over long voyages.

"Additional help is ... available! Please select from the list on your monitor screen."
One by one, characters formed on the screen:
Countermeasures, incoming fire, Eradicator missile
Countermeasures, incoming fire, Eraser missile
Countermeasures, incoming fire, Expunger missile
Countermeasures, incoming fire, Exterminator missile
Countermeasures, incoming fire, Extinguisher missile
Countermeasures, incoming fire, Extirpator missile
"Do you see your selection on the screen?"

"No." Amnin grew nervous. The sprites had given up and weren't visible. Judging from the insistent hum of the long-range comm gear (and both sets of backup long-range comm gear), they were probably putting their affairs in order back home.

"Reminder!" chirped the computer, interrupting the operator's manual. "Incoming Vitiator missile impact expected in ... nine ... millennia." A single enormous numeral
9
filled the monitor screen, overwriting the list of selections from the Manual. "Simulation results indicate that evasive action is no longer possible."

"Operator's Manual?" Amnin asked hopefully.

"Hello! Welcome to the GlobuleSearch AI facility! Bringing all the expertise of our team of top designers to the --"

Oh shit.

"Incoming Vitiator missile impact expected in ... eight ... millennia."

Amnin froze. His mind seemed to clunk forward jerkily, at long intervals, as if trying to roll on square wheels.

"Incoming Vitiator missile impact expected in ... seven ... millennia. Warning! Messiah countermeasures pod is ineffective within seven millennia of impact."

Messiah, that was it.

"Incoming Vitiator missile impact expected in ... six ... millennia. Informational Update! Raptor emergency escape pod can no longer clear the hypothecated blast radius of the incoming Vitiator missile."

Raptor. What else, what else? Amnin had slept through most of his training courses.

"Incoming Vitiator missile impact expected in ... five ... millennia."

"Obviator."

"Obviator system not operational. Incoming Vitiator missile impact expected in ... four ... millennia."

"Absconder."

"Command not recognized. Incoming Vitiator missile impact expected in ... three ... millennia."

"Obfuscator."

"Sorry, the Obfuscator in-galaxy camouflage system is undergoing a scheduled outage for routine maintenance. Please try again later. Incoming Vitiator missile impact expected in ... two ... millennia."

Um.

"Incoming Vitiator missile impact expected in ... one ... millennium."

"Dilatator."

(To be continued!)

Giant Transdimensional Shitkicker (Part 2 of a Story)

2006-09-25T05:42:00.000-07:00

Copyright © 2006 TWM. All rights reserved.

Amnin crawled back into his bunk and slept until the sprites woke him. He washed carelessly and stumbled up to the bridge. There he conferred with a sullen sprite about the state of the globule’s armament, using each of his limbs and joints to convey precise shades of meaning while it quivered resentfully. Finally it conceded that the four gas clouds affixed to the vessel’s exterior were ready for launching.

The ship’s main armament consisted of four clouds of gas, carried externally. Each cloud was a Vitiator missile. The Vitiator warhead was a black hole waiting to happen. After impact, chromodynamic fires on its surface would implode the cloud to the point of gravitational collapse within a few brief millennia. The surface of a ball a thousand light-years across would be rapidly heated to supernova temperatures – fairly benign by the standards of the present conflict, though it might impair or even disable enemy equipment. But the real point of the chromodynamic blaze was to begin gravitational collapse while burning out any possible solar fuel that might ignite and retard compression. Anything caught within the target ball would be reduced to x-rays or vanished over the newly-formed event horizon.

If everything went smoothly. Which, realistically, with weapon systems the size of small nebulae, good luck. Gooooood luck.

Eventually Amnin noticed the frantically waving limbs of a small chorus line of sprites and sluggishly directed his attention at the monitors. Amnin was not entirely displeased to see that a flight of Vitiator missiles was apparently headed toward his globule. He had noticed before that his daydreaming was often remarkably apropos, even perhaps precient.

Enemy fire was somewhat more common than friendly fire in this sector, and the sprites estimated about a 70% chance that Amnin was in combat. From his point of view it might not matter. One downside of near-speed-of-light weaponry was the impossibility of countermanding a mistaken attack after launch.

Amnin didn't particularly feel like dealing with this sort of tense situation so soon after waking up and he proposed to the sprites that if one just stayed relaxed these things usually worked out for the best. But they seemed unusually testy and impatient, rattling on very emotionally about "countermeasures" and "evasive action." If he didn't let them "do something" then he supposed he'd never hear the end of it.

(To be continued!)

Giant Transdimensional Shitkicker (Part 1 of a Story)

2006-09-22T05:30:00.000-07:00

Copyright © 2006 TWM. All rights reserved.

The globule drifted forward through glowing clouds. Amnin sat in his bunk, staring at black and orange wisps on the monitors. He felt the globule shudder and shrink slightly, perhaps passing through a galaxy. Amnin felt a chill. He curled himself about his hands and slept, after a fashion.

When Amnin awoke the monitors were filled with violet and blue whorls, for some reason all turning rapidly counterclockwise. He was hungry, but he sat glaring at the monitors until a call of nature forced him to rise.

A rippling sprite reminded Amnin to take out the vessel’s checklist and test the corresponding oblations. One of his peripherals had collapsed into an awkward subspace of dimension nineteen-fourths, but all “mission-critical systems” – the weapons – seemed to be in order. The violet whorls weighed on Amnin’s mind and the globule had become uncomfortably compressed, so he organized himself and spun through the skin of the globule.

As Amnin gained the exterior, dim pinpoints dug into his face, spitting iron-smelling vapors. His nose itched; one arm and leg slowly windmilled under some impulse of their own. Extravehicular activity tended to be hit-or-miss at best. It didn’t help that the operating manual (consisting of stored constructs of the globule’s senior designers) remained unenthusiastic about the simplistic definitions of “inside” and “outside” that informed the sprites.

In any event, long after the time for his evening absorptions had passed, Amnin finally identified the problem. As he had suspected, the globule had become distorted and confined near the edge of a galaxy. As he worked to extract the vessel, fourteen of its axes stubbornly precessed away from the sprites’ consensus course correction estimates. Meanwhile, a clique of sprites splintered, the loudest contingent demanding a seemingly absurd set of redesign steps, as well as streamlined procedures for voting among the sprites themselves. Amnin felt less than certain about the strength of the arguments on either side. Eventually, baffled and paralyzed by the debate, he damped the ringleaders of the offending faction of sprites, using a technicality in the voting system to radiate their vibrations, effectively exhausting them into space. The remaining sprites seemed pensive but approved a simple eversion.

(To Be Continued!)

More Rain

2006-09-20T15:05:00.000-07:00

Hi ... Everybody

2006-09-20T08:41:00.000-07:00

Hey there. Thanks for stopping by, um. I'm ... having trouble ... writing. Today.

UPDATE!
Good news! I've decided to spin this as a temporary problem.

Air Force Parries Roswell Man's Claims

2006-09-18T14:26:00.000-07:00

Gerald Lopez, 45, of Roswell, NM, claims that his face "mutated" after he witnessed a dazzling pink light over a local Air Force base. A spokesman for the Air Force expressed skepticism. "Our physicians have determined that Mr. Lopez's physiognomy lies within acceptable limits." He also raised the possibility that the "before" pictures may have been photoshopped. "Grzt zblrk ingxung Lopezzzz vooxi bibidigi," he added.
Story.

How Many Minutes?

2006-09-16T09:34:00.000-07:00

"Vincent Bostic, 31, of Pittsburgh ... has agreed to help pay $425 to replace the store's microwave"
Story.

'Cauliflower Cult' Diet Gains Popularity

2006-09-15T06:54:00.000-07:00

Just skimmed through this one quickly. Apparently, adherents keep the pounds off by consuming a diet rich in cauliflower (left), living in underground bunkers, and wearing gas masks.

Um

2006-09-14T11:35:00.000-07:00

Ug og og. Oog, og, ugh. Uergh.

Trading Pages

2006-09-13T10:51:00.000-07:00

Each week we "remodel" a blog for one lucky contestant. Watch your tired old blog turn into the site of your dreams as our image consultants juice up your page with the latest da-glo op-art backgrounds, hip fonts, ads, pop-ups, and thorough automatic grammar checking to make sure your message is getting through.

UPDATE!
Winners will also receive a free copy of PWContentLite, a $295 value.

This is the consumer version of PWContentPro, the powerful AutoContent software that our staff of professional writers use to generate the entries on this blog. Packed with features, PWContent software helps you

Generate more content in less time
Choose mode of presentation -- chose from Expository, Precis, Executive Summary, Short-Short Story, Rant, and dozens of others
SentenceMaker helps put your thoughts into perfect English in less time
View your content's exact Originality Score, calculated by our sophisticated "principal components algorithm" from all content currently on the web
For a limited time, purchase PWContentLite and receive PWHumorLite, a $95 value, FREE. Select from literally hundreds of comedians'* material, transposing subjects to your ideas in seconds.

*Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld, Sir John Cleese, Philip K. Dick, John Belushi, Woody Allen, Red Skelton, S.J. Perelman, Stephen Leacock, P.G. Wodehouse, Arthur Schlesinger Jr., Michael Albert, Benny Hill, and hundreds more.

Behind the Scenes

2006-09-11T13:28:00.000-07:00

Photo.
Here at Project WANNABE, humor is a science. The picture shows our next-generation 'Typhon' control panel. Using the Typhon platform, our operators can adjust up to 128 channels of irony simultaneously, tuning to derive maximum "coattailing" from the daily "humor vector" of the internet (computed via a proprietary algorithm), and gauge audience response -- feeding intimate biomonitoring data directly to our corporate sponsors in real time.

But don't be put off by all the high-tech gear, our impressive job titles, and our sophisticated business model. At Project WANNABE, you the user are our first priority.*

The issues are complex &mdash but we're basically on your side &trade

*Some limitations may apply. Read the Terms and Conditions carefully. Let's face it, users don't sign the checks. But among people who don't pay us, you're right up there.

Running Short of Action Verbs, Sports Writers Turn to Literary Criticism

2006-09-10T02:17:00.000-07:00

"Sharapova, 19, ... deconstructed Justine Henin-Hardenne ... 6-4, 6-4" NY Times.

Just a few years into the new millennium, the nation's supply of synonyms for 'beat' is already critically low. Language experts are rushing to fill the gap. But how will sports fans react?

Negative Space with Volcano

2006-09-09T13:22:00.000-07:00

From here.

The Western Canon

2006-09-05T08:27:00.000-07:00

Some people are concerned about a tendency in higher education to abandon Western literature and indoctrinate students with, I'm not sure what, other genres I guess. That sure would be a shame.

I went to an engineering school, and perhaps we were behind the times, but I saw nothing to worry about. Our literature courses were staunchly supportive of the Western Canon.* The lecture halls rang with immortal names: L'Amour, McMurtry and Gray, Wayne, Eastwood and Leone. The idea of glum foreign pantywaists like Socrates, Cervantes, Shakespeare, Joyce, Truffaut and Fellini displacing the Western classics in the hearts and minds of Americans is just plain silly. It'll never happen.

*I'm not sure where cannons come into it, except as a grandiose academic label. Small arms are the order of the day in nearly all of Western literature. Artillery is much more prevalent in non-Western literature: Hemingway and Tolstoy, for example.

Pan, the God of Cooking

2006-09-04T06:19:00.000-07:00

Pan cakes this morning. Of Greek origin, pan cakes are named for Pan, the god of cooking. When I eat pan cakes I think back hundreds of years to ancient Greece -- the magical land of Ptolemy, Zeno, and those ill-fated lovers Hector and Xerxes. Unconventional by today's standards, maybe, but the ancient Greeks gave us some of our most pungent stories of human passion.

UPDATE!
I meant poignant.

Biker Nerds

2006-09-03T12:03:00.000-07:00

So I saw like twenty leatherized guys on Harleys in the parking lot of the McDonalds. A little fearful of so many bikers, I started edging around the group, taking the long way toward the door and my Sausage Biscuit. That's when a little voice, maybe a sixth sense, maybe my inner Obi-Wan Kenobi, whispered to me "Luke. Those aren't bikers. They're trekkies."

It was true. The web-site T-shirts were wrong, the bowl haircuts were wrong, the coke-bottle lenses on the glasses were wrong, even the guts were shaped wrong. It was a gang of biker nerds. Emboldened, I just slung my pocket protector down low and forged right through the middle of them, while they stared at their toes.

How widespread is the Biker Nerd phenomenon? How long has it been going on, the conversion of a demographic who terrified Hunter Thompson 40 years ago into a bunch of dweebs who can't even frighten me? Is it just because a Harley costs more than a car, or is there some other reason?

Rotate Your Hate

2006-09-01T09:58:00.000-07:00

So I've been bicycling a lot this summer. It helps me relax. Anyway if there's one thing I hate when I'm riding it's trucks, cars, dogs, walkers, little kids, runners, and skaters. For example, trucks toting Wide Loads, which jut out over the shoulder of the road and sweep out the space occupied by my head at 60 miles an hour. Not much fun. Or octets of 90-year-olds who instinctively fan out like a defensive line across the bike path. (Helpful hint: don't take out the one with the walker. Sure she's probably the frailest, but that aluminum shit can get up in your spokes. Word to the wise.)

But now my bikes aren't working and I've been forced to walk and run for exercise. And if there's one thing I hate it's lunatics on bicycles.

I decided this is healthy. I call it "rotating my hate." I think I'll take up rollerblading or windsurfing, just to broaden my hatreds.

Book Review: Under the Tuscan Sun

2006-08-31T06:48:00.000-07:00

Under the Tuscan Sun, by Frances Mayles.

This is the one where the guy goes to live in Provence. I haven't read it all the way through, but it seems like it's going to be pretty good. I think it's pretty recent too. The cover isn't that attractive, and the pages stain easily. Over all I would give it a 6 out of 10. (Maybe a 7.5 when it was new.)

UPDATE!
Ok in the version of the book I have, an English guy goes to live in Provence, in France. Some troll has started posting crank comments about some other book, or a different edition or something, by a woman who went to live in Italy.

We have a really unusual community going here, and 99% of the contributions are brilliant. So I hate to start moderating the comments. But unproductive, uncivil comments will not be tolerated. Keep them on topic: Under the Tuscan Sun, a book about (hello?) France. Or they will be deleted.

Thanks!

Chapter One

2006-08-29T09:51:00.000-07:00

The fretwork hands stood at five past four. Gataur Minshank tapped his stylus on the desk.

...

Whew! Time for a coffee break. You can't rush creativity.

Star Justice!

2006-08-29T08:25:00.000-07:00

When dashing paralegal Gataur Minshank won a plum job at the top interstellar law firm of Liatho, Liatho, Buedra, Liatho, Sao, Liatho, Buedra, Sao, Gibbidibbi, Buedra, Liatho, Bisthoash, Bisthoach, Buedra, Sao, Liatho, Buedra, Smit, Goalia'a'a, Iizka, Miyako, Liatho, Buedra, Miyako, Goalia'a'a, Liatho, Liatho-Buedra, Buedra-Liatho, Liatho-Buedra-Liatho, Jonz and Co., young Gataur thought he had embarked on a dull but safe career. It was neither!

And soon the fate of Gataur's entire world would swing in the balance of ... Star Justice!

I'm Just Wild about Harry

2006-08-29T05:05:00.000-07:00

If you're not familiar with the popular blog Chase me ladies, I'm in the cavalry by Harry Hutton, you should definitely check it out immediately. It's a lot funnier than the crap here. This is my personal favorite.

Asshole on a Segway

2006-08-28T07:35:00.000-07:00

If there's anything worse than an asshole on a unicycle, it's an asshole on a Segway. Here's a picture, but the dorky nature of this device has to be seen to be believed. And there's finally a Segway rider in my tiny town, dorking his way up and down the street just like, sorry, an erection with wheels.

Applause from "self-balancing scooter" users:
* "It's pretty easy to drive around inside the office."
*"It can manuever through hallways and doors with ease and safety for the rider and those around him."
* I "ride a 1400 Suzuki.. this is barrels more fun and my Suzuki now just sits"

Uh huh. PLUS! It annoys (at least) everyone else on the sidewalk!
* "I almost got knocked down coming out of the dry cleaners on Fulton Street by some asshole on a Segway."

Nevertheless, don't assume the Segway is perfect! Users have some complaints too!
* "diabolical device of the demon of darkness" (Woops. This user was quoting a "Baltimore preacher in 1896 denouncing bicycles.")
* "It's fairly tiring to ride."
* "Standing still on a hard, bouncing platform makes my feet tired."
* "I can't quite drink a cup of coffee on it while moving at any speed"

Try a wheelchair!

FFS! These are not disabled people. Not yet, anyway. Just average American nerds who aspire to the lifestyle of the disabled.

UPDATE!
Now a Personal Zeppelin, that would be fun.